Friday, August 12, 2011

Adoption-older VS younger

Someone recently asked me if I wished my siblings had been adopted at a younger age. They were wondering if that would have made a difference in their stories. I can honestly say I don't know. I think that no matter how a child is when they're adopted, there is always a feeling of loss. They always wonder who they look like, who their parents are, why they were given up, and they go through a period when they don't feel good enough for anybody. How many times have you sat down with your parents and compared baby pictures to see which parent you looked like more. Have you ever talked to your family about what genes you share (this is a common occurrence in our house because we have some strange genes that we all share). Adopted children don't get to have these conversations (obviously open adoptions are the exception). For my siblings, all they have are pictures to see who they look like and for one of them, they don't know what their birth father even looks like. In this sense, no matter what age a child is, adoption is always difficult.
I think if my siblings were younger when they were adopted they might not have some of the attachment issues they have now. If they were adopted as babies I know they wouldn't have some of the bad experiences they've had. I can't say that they wouldn't for sure have attachment issues because even kids who were adopted as babies deal with attachment issues. They would probably have an easier time being part of a family though. For all three of the youngers, none of them knew what it meant to be part of a family. They have never had to do chores as a family, they've never sat down for a meal as a family, they've never gone to church as a family, they've never celebrated holidays as a family, etc. All the things we take for granted every year, these kids have never experienced until they were adopted. Imagine going to a random person's house during the holiday season. You have no idea what their traditions are. All these people you're with know what's going on but you're just kind of thrown into the mix. But you're supposed to be part of the family. I don't know if I'm making any sense but I'm trying. In this sense, I think it would be easier if my siblings were adopted when they were younger.
On the flip side, sometimes I wish I was younger when the youngers were adopted. By the time AJ was adopted, I was 18 and already living on my own. When RJ and T were adopted, I was living in a totally different state and engaged. Sometimes I wish I had been younger so that I could have had the experience of living with them. Like I said before, I don't know if anything would have helped with their attachment stuff, but maybe if I had been around all the time, my relationships would be different. It's one thing to be the cool sibling that comes around every now and then and it's totally different when you share their everyday life with them. I have always said that I don't think of them any differently than I do my biological brother, and in some ways I don't, but in other ways I do because I don't really know them because I'm not there everyday.
I know this post is really scattered but I hope I answered the question about the kids being adopted at a younger age. I really don't know if it would have helped but I think some things would have been easier.

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