Adoption (warning: long)

Disclaimer: This post is about adoption so I have used my mom and siblings as examples. Also, I have struggled for almost two weeks to find the words I want to use to write this post so my words might be all over the place.

A couple weeks ago, the Today Show featured a story about a woman who gave her adopted child to another family because they weren't bonding (http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/33089578/ns/today-parenting_and_family/). I DO NOT agree with her decision to adopt the baby in the first place or give him to another family, I am trying not to judge her decision and this post is not about that. The hardest part about the interview was having to hear her be called a hero. I'm sure that the decision she made was a hard one and I'm sure she didn't take it lightly but in my opinion the decision she made does not make her a hero. The people who adopt and deal with attachment disorders and issues daily are the true heroes.

I have three adopted siblings who were adopted as older children and who have attachment issues. Like this woman, my mom did her research before she adopted and knew how to deal with the attachment issues according to the literature and the therapist but until you adopt a child with attachment issues you really don't know how to deal with it and each kid is different. What may work with one child won't work for the next. Like hundreds of parents who have adopted children with attachment disorders, my mom works with my siblings daily and some days are much harder than others. My sister J was 10 when she came home from Guatemala. She lived with her biological mom up until my mom and dad went to pick her up to bring her home. She was old enough to have a bond with her bio mom and she came home with plenty of memories. She formed an attachment with my dad fairly quickly but refused to get close to my mom or I. If my mom told her not to do something she would roll her eyes and stomp off. I remember the first Mother's Day she spent with us she walked right up to my mom and said "I'm not going to get you anything for Mother's Day because you're not my real mom." I could see the hurt on my mom's face but she said "it was ok because even though she wasn't J's bio mom she was still her mom and would be forever."

T was 10 and R was 7 1/2 when they came home from Brazil. They had lived in an orphanage most of their life. T has some memories of her bio family but all R remembers is that his dad was tall. Even though they didn't have a "family life" they were very used to living on the street and doing things on their own and not having someone telling them what to do. Part of the adoption process in Brazil is for the adopted parents to to go there for six weeks to make sure they the family is a good fit. The first day mom met the kids, they went home with her to the hotel and all hell broke loose. Mom had to hide all the knives because R chased her with one. She had to unplug the phone from the wall and hide her cell phone because the kids would call random numbers and tell them they needed help. She couldn't take a shower for three days because they would either destroy the hotel room because they couldn't get out or they would get out and run away. The lawyer finally stepped in and the kids settled down enough for them to get acquainted with mom. When they came home, T & R would talk to each other in Portuguese and would totally ignore mom. T was more receptive to mom's love but is still struggling with trusting her. She constantly has to know what is going on, what the plan for the day is, where mom is going, and when she's going to be home. If they are planning a trip T has to know when they are leaving, what time they are leaving, what they're going to be doing every minute of every day, why they are going, when they are going back, and how far away it is. She has to have complete control because she doesn't trust anyone but herself. When she first came home she would tell mom that Brazil was better than the states and had a fantasy built up in her mind of how life used to be for her. R is probably the most attached of the three but is about three years behind his peers in maturity and development. When he first came home he was prone to violent outbursts that would sometimes last weeks because he was upset about something. When he remembered to put on clean underwear, he would put them on backwards and inside out. He repeatedly told my mom that he hated her and wanted to go back to Brazil.

All three kids are still dealing with attachment disorders but because of my mom's love and hard work, they have made tremendous strides. J now tells mom she loves her daily and will actually talk to mom about her problems. She was the most improved student at school two years ago which is amazing since she never attended school in Guatemala. T still tries to control stuff when she is stressed out but she will talk to mom about it instead of trying to take control which means that she is starting to trust mom. R is still struggling to catch up to his peers but he is doing very well in school and puts his underwear on correctly every day. He still gets upset but reacts like most kids and is only upset for a little bit. He has even started apologizing when he gets upset.

I know that there are many families who are raising adopted kids who have attachment disorders, some worse than my siblings. I also know there are days when those parents feel like they can't continue raising their kids because it's too hard and they feel like they aren't making any progress but they keep loving their kids unconditionally and parenting them with everything they have because they are true heroes.