Advice for adoptive parents

I always think about what advice I would give parents that are adopting that already have older kids. When I got pregnant with Kylie, people were always giving me advice on how to transition William into being an older brother. Since I've had Kylie, one of the most asked questions is how is William doing with a new sister. It's strange to me that there isn't any information on how to help an older child handle an adopted sibling. Nobody asks the parent, or the older child for that matter, how things are going for them once the adopted child is home. Is it any different? Personally, I don't think so. The situation is different. There might be different problems especially if you are adopting an older child but the child that was already there still feels the same things. They still feel jealousy. They still wonder where they fit in now because their family dynamic has changed. They still feel replaced at times. The feelings are still the same.

One of the biggest thing a parent can do to help the older child during the adoption is to keep the older child involved as much as possible. I had already moved out by the time AJ's adoption was going through so I was a part of the adoption from far away. It was my fault for not being very involved but I wish that my parents would have forced me to be more involved. Have family meetings with all the older children to talk about the adopted child. Talk about where they're from, how old they are, share pictures, share stories, talk about their history like have they been in an orphanage, with foster parents, or with their biological parents. If you travel to get the child, bring back souvenirs and lots of pictures to share with the older kids especially if you got out of the country. Keep the older child involved in the process. Let them know where you are in the adoption process and what's left. Once you get a date to get your child, keep a countdown so that everyone is aware of when the new child will be coming. Let them help you decorate the room and pick out new clothes. Have the older child talk to the adopted child as much as possible whether through letters or phone calls. Have them be a part of the everyday boring stuff of the adoption.
Another thing a parent can do to help is talk to the older child about the possible issues the adopted child will have once they come home. This is especially important when adopting older children. I know that every child is different but I was totally unaware of what RAD was and how it would affect my relationship with any of the kids. When AJ came home, I had these dreams about going shopping, sharing secrets, have sleep overs, and being close. I didn't realize that her RAD would keep her from having a "normal" sibling relationship. Many adopted children don't even know what it means to be part of a family especially those that have been in an orphanage. They don't know what it's like to have chores, to have holidays with a family, to spend time as a family. I think my relationship would be different with AJ if I hadn't pushed my dreams on her so hard in the beginning. I don't think it would be what I had dreamt it would be but it would be different than what it is now.
Another thing parent can do to help their older child or children deal with the adoption is to take time to spend with them and listen to what they have to say. My mom did a really good job of letting me talk (once I figured out what I wanted to say). As silly as it sounds, I was jealous of AJ when she came home and I still am jealous of the all the younger kids every once in awhile. They have a different relationship with my mom than I did growing up. My mom is able to spend more time with them and take them on trips and buy them the things we couldn't afford. I am extremely happy for them but at the same time I can't help but feel a little jealous which is totally normal. As an older child, I needed to know that what I was feeling, no matter how silly I thought it was, was ok and normal. If your older child doesn't feel comfortable talking to you about how they feel for whatever reason, take them to a counselor. If they aren't able to talk through their feeling about their new siblings, they will eventually start to resent them.
I think the most important thing a parent can remember is that even though your child is older and you are not physically having a child, adoption is the same thing. Kids still feel the same way and their place in the family is different just like when a new biological child is brought into the family.