Advice for adoptive parents

I always think about what advice I would give parents that are adopting that already have older kids. When I got pregnant with Kylie, people were always giving me advice on how to transition William into being an older brother. Since I've had Kylie, one of the most asked questions is how is William doing with a new sister. It's strange to me that there isn't any information on how to help an older child handle an adopted sibling. Nobody asks the parent, or the older child for that matter, how things are going for them once the adopted child is home. Is it any different? Personally, I don't think so. The situation is different. There might be different problems especially if you are adopting an older child but the child that was already there still feels the same things. They still feel jealousy. They still wonder where they fit in now because their family dynamic has changed. They still feel replaced at times. The feelings are still the same.

One of the biggest thing a parent can do to help the older child during the adoption is to keep the older child involved as much as possible. I had already moved out by the time AJ's adoption was going through so I was a part of the adoption from far away. It was my fault for not being very involved but I wish that my parents would have forced me to be more involved. Have family meetings with all the older children to talk about the adopted child. Talk about where they're from, how old they are, share pictures, share stories, talk about their history like have they been in an orphanage, with foster parents, or with their biological parents. If you travel to get the child, bring back souvenirs and lots of pictures to share with the older kids especially if you got out of the country. Keep the older child involved in the process. Let them know where you are in the adoption process and what's left. Once you get a date to get your child, keep a countdown so that everyone is aware of when the new child will be coming. Let them help you decorate the room and pick out new clothes. Have the older child talk to the adopted child as much as possible whether through letters or phone calls. Have them be a part of the everyday boring stuff of the adoption.
Another thing a parent can do to help is talk to the older child about the possible issues the adopted child will have once they come home. This is especially important when adopting older children. I know that every child is different but I was totally unaware of what RAD was and how it would affect my relationship with any of the kids. When AJ came home, I had these dreams about going shopping, sharing secrets, have sleep overs, and being close. I didn't realize that her RAD would keep her from having a "normal" sibling relationship. Many adopted children don't even know what it means to be part of a family especially those that have been in an orphanage. They don't know what it's like to have chores, to have holidays with a family, to spend time as a family. I think my relationship would be different with AJ if I hadn't pushed my dreams on her so hard in the beginning. I don't think it would be what I had dreamt it would be but it would be different than what it is now.
Another thing parent can do to help their older child or children deal with the adoption is to take time to spend with them and listen to what they have to say. My mom did a really good job of letting me talk (once I figured out what I wanted to say). As silly as it sounds, I was jealous of AJ when she came home and I still am jealous of the all the younger kids every once in awhile. They have a different relationship with my mom than I did growing up. My mom is able to spend more time with them and take them on trips and buy them the things we couldn't afford. I am extremely happy for them but at the same time I can't help but feel a little jealous which is totally normal. As an older child, I needed to know that what I was feeling, no matter how silly I thought it was, was ok and normal. If your older child doesn't feel comfortable talking to you about how they feel for whatever reason, take them to a counselor. If they aren't able to talk through their feeling about their new siblings, they will eventually start to resent them.
I think the most important thing a parent can remember is that even though your child is older and you are not physically having a child, adoption is the same thing. Kids still feel the same way and their place in the family is different just like when a new biological child is brought into the family.

Intro to adoption blog

Introduction
I have been wanting to start a blog about my experiences with my adopted siblings since I have yet to find any blogs or books written from the perspective of an older, biological child plus I need an outlet to vent and get my thoughts out. I haven't started a blog before now because I have always struggled with how to start it. Since there has been some struggles going on with one of my younger, adopted siblings, I have had the need to get my thoughts out even more. I finally decided that not knowing how to start this blog was not a good enough excuse anymore. I figured that the best place to start was a short introduction and background to my family. I promise there will be more detail in the coming posts.

I was 18 and living on my own when my first adopted sibling came home. Up until that point, it had only been my biological brother (T.P.) and I. We're two years apart and we have always had a love/hate relationship (we still do). For as long as I can remember, adoption was always talked about in our family. My mom had always wanted to adopt and would spend hours on adoption websites. The thought of having another sibling that I might actually get along with was fine with me. My dad was always the one who drug his feet about adopting. When they finally agreed to adopt I was already a senior in high school. They agreed to adopt an older girl from Guatemala (my dad is fluent in Spanish and wanted to adopt from a Spanish speaking country). They found a facilitator that specialized in Guatemalan adoptions and we were matched with A.J. She was 10 when she came home and she DID NOT like me for about the first year (more on that in another post). She is now 18, a junior in high school and a very smart, funny, loving, young woman who definitely has her share of issues and is currently giving my mom quite a few gray hairs.
About two years after A.J. came home, my mom and dad divorced. They were planning on adopting A.J.'s biological siblings so all the paperwork was current. Before my mom's paperwork expired, my mom decided to adopt again. This time she chose Brazil and was matched with a sibling pair, T and R. By this time I was living in another state and was engaged so it was a little difficult trying to establish a relationship as their sister instead of some stranger who called every couple days and sometimes came to visit (again, more on my relationship with them later). T 14 is and R is 12 and they've been home for four years now. T and R also have their share of problems but I have never known two kids their age who work so hard and will do anything you ask them to do. T is a beautiful and very loving young woman. R is extremely funny and has the best smile of anyone I know.
All three of the youngers have Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) which is to be expected of older, adopted kids so they all have a hard time connecting to family members like a biological child would. Their journeys have definitely been difficult and there have been many trying times as a sibling but I can honestly say that I can't remember my life before them ( I have memories but I don't remember what it was like without them in my life). I can say without any doubt that God placed all three of them in my life for a reason and I am truly blessed to have them in my life.

Kylie Rae (Long)

I've been totally slacking on my blogging lately. I started a new blog to write about my experiences being an older child to adopted kids and since I can't remember my password to get into that blog, I'm going to use this blog to write about all that fun stuff. Before I do that though, I figured I should write a little about Kylie Rae!

Kylie was born on March 25th at 10:21 pm. My labor was so different from William. It was easy and smooth and fast (compared to 20 hours with William, anything is fast). I had been having contractions for many weeks and was taken off bed rest at 36 weeks and everyone, including the doctor, thought I would go into labor that weekend. Kylie had different plans though. On the 24th I started having contractions that were closer than the normally were but they weren't painful so I went to bed not worried about anything. The next morning, my contractions were still about 4-5 mins apart but since they weren't painful, the doctor didn't want me going to the hospital just yet. Finally around 3:00, Kyle told me we were going to the hospital even though I wasn't in pain because he "refused to deliver his baby at home".

We arrived at the hospital about 3:30 and I was only 3 cms dilated. The nurse gave me an hour to dilate to 4 or I was going home. We walked around for an hour and that did the trick. My contractions still weren't painful at all so we hung out in the room watching March Madness. Around 9:00, my contractions got really painful fast so I got my epidural. I was only about 6 cms at that point so my mom decided to start heading home about 10:00. As soon as she left the room I started feeling a ton of pressure so the nurse checked me. I went from 6-10 cms in about a half hour so we called my mom back and I started pushing around 10:15 and she was born at 10:21 weighing in at 7lbs 12oz and 21 inches long.

Since her birth was different than William's we should have known that she was going to be a very different baby. The first six weeks were miserable. She cried ALL THE TIME and would only sleep while being held. She slept in our bed on my pillow and had to be forehead to forehead which at first was really sweet but then got really hard to get good sleep. I finally took her into the doctor at six weeks and she was diagnosed with reflux and put on medication. Since then she is a totally different baby. She is easy going, sleeps through the night, and is very happy. At that appointment she was also diagnosed with an umbilical hernia that will have to be surgically repaired. She has an appointment for that next week so we'll find out then when her surgery is.

William is an amazing big brother. He is totally in love with Kylie and she is in love with him. He loves to get her binkie when she cries and he keeps his eye on her when someone else is holding her. He loves to give her kisses and hugs and his new favorite thing is to lay down next to her when she is playing on her mat. It is so cute to watch. I can't wait to see their relationship grow as they get older.