Sucky 2011 continues

2011 has brought us another "challenge" as my mom calls it. You can read my new blog http://live-for-him.blogspot.com/ to read the news.

Six months already?

One week old

Smiley girl

Always wanting to what brother is doing

Say what?

Kylie is six months old already! I can not believe how fast the time has gone. I'm convinced that time goes by so much faster with the second baby and I'm a little sadden by that...OK A LOT!

The first six weeks of Kylie's life were miserable. Not only were we trying to get used to having two kids, we were also dealing with a very crabby baby who cried ALL THE TIME. We found out at exactly six weeks that she had silent reflux and it was bad enough to put her on medicine. She totally changed once we started her on her medicine. She started smiling at everyone, was happy (as long as there's people around to entertain her), and she started sleeping through the night. Her true personality started to come out. She loves to play peek-a-boo and smiles at everyone she sees. Her favorite person is William and her face lights up whenever he walks into the room. She is sitting up by herself and rolls all over the place although she would rather be walking (which she'll do if you hold her hands while she's standing up). She hates being by herself and would rather sit and watch me cook dinner than play in her bouncy seat in the other room. If she's unhappy, she will let you know and she can go from smiling to screeching at you in seconds. In fact, she flat out yelled at me when she was two weeks old. I hope that she always tells people how she feels and stands up for herself (I may regret that when she's 15).

I have enjoyed the last six months watching Kylie grow and I'm excited for all the changes that are coming in the next six months.

2011 update

I'm going to steal my mom's blog idea and write a post on our not so fun year so here it goes.

This year started off with Kyle starting is new job as a Marine Corps Recruiter. We knew that it was going to be a big change for him and for our family with longer hours and more pressure but we just didn't know how hard it was going to be. It's one of those situations that you hear from other people how hard it is but you don't understand until you're in it. Like everything he does, he's very good at his job but it is VERY stressful and it's hard to see him doing something he doesn't enjoy. The thing I keep telling myself and him is that he could be deployed. At least he gets to come home every night (well almost every night). I try to look at the positives but it's hard sometimes. I don't think things have gotten easier with his job but we've slowly adjusted.

In April I found out my little sister (who is 19 and a senior in high school) was pregnant with twins and she has chosen to live in a house for unwed, homeless mothers instead of with my mom. This pregnancy has brought up a lot of "why God" prayers in my life which I realize is not how it should be but it is. I won't get into specifics but I will say that a lot of changes need to be made on her part for these babies. After six months of being sad, angry, worried, and indifferent, I think I've finally turned the whole situation over to God. I am not in control of her life or her decisions, God is. The only thing I can do is pray and that's what I intend to do. It is still a very difficult situation for my whole family and there are a lot more question marks than I am comfortable with. It's been a struggle for me mostly because instead of my sister and I getting closer and sharing pregnancy stories, this has pulled us farther apart. I really don't know if our relationship will ever be repaired and that is something else I'm not in control of (sorry if none of that made sense). There is only so much one person can do and a relationship is two-sided.

On top of that, my little brother went to live in a rehabilitation boys school in Kentucky about two months ago. This was not something that any of us wanted to happen but it was very much needed. He was very angry at everyone and was starting to get violent with my mom. I can honestly say she tried everything before she made this decision and it was not made in hast. He will be there for at least a year. I really don't think I've dealt with the fact that he isn't around and won't be for a while. I haven't let the thoughts of missing him and him missing out on family events into my mind. I refuse to think about them or deal with them. I look at the situation very logically and I don't let my emotions in at all. That's the only way I know how to handle this right now. I haven't cried, I haven't gotten angry, I haven't gotten sad. I refuse to let myself go there. Maybe I'm avoiding my feelings because I feel like I need to be the strong, logical one right now. I don't know. I know someday I will let those feelings in and I will have a breakdown but for right now I'm OK with burying those feelings.

There have been some good things to come out of this year. The first (and most important) is Kylie's birth. She is already six months old (I'm going to write and update later)! I can't believe time has gone by so fast. She has brought so much joy and happiness to our family when we really needed it. The other thing that is awesome is being so close to our family that we get to see them a couple times a month. Its been really nice getting to spend so much time with my family. William loves spending time with his cousins, his aunts and uncles, and his grandparents/great grandparents. The only thing that would make it better is to have Kyle's family here too!

Things I've learned from my two year old

This year has been a very trying time not just as a family, but with William. A couple weeks before Kylie was born, the dreaded terrible twos joined our family. Now compared to some kids I've heard about, William is not that bad. He doesn't throw screaming, kicking, tantrums and he listens fairly well, but man that boy is stubborn. If he doesn't want to do something, he completely ignores anything you have to say and would rather be punished than do whatever it is your asking him to do (or not do). He is also very independent and it's a constant battle over what he can do and what he's allowed to do. It's a power struggle between him and I daily. He is also the most loving little boy and he is constantly teaching me new things. Here are a few things I've learned from him.

1) A smile is the best way to greet someone. William has a way of making everyone he meets feel good about themselves. He greets everyone like they are his favorite person in the world. Even people he has just met get an enthusiastic "Hi" with a 1000 wat smile. I realized that I need to start doing that to everyone I come in contact with especially my husband. A lot of times when Kyle comes home I'm in the middle of some project or chore and instead of stopping for a moment to greet him, I give him a quick hello. I'm sure that makes him feel like whatever I'm doing is more important than him

2) Everyone is equal. A toddler doesn't care how much money you have, what you look like, what kind of clothes you wear, what kind of car you drive, your social status, etc. Their judgement of people is how a person treats them. I am a judgemental person to a fault and it's something I am constantly working on. I love watching William interact with people because he could care less about who they are as long as they are nice to him. I want to be more like that. I want to quit judging people by what they have or what they look like or what they wear and start paying attention to their character.

3)He asks for help. This is something I'm awful at. I try to do it all and I'll wear myself down before I ask for help even from Kyle. I am learning how to ask for help when I need it but it's hard.

4) He has a servant's heart. One of the things that has surprised me the most about William since Kylie was born was how helpful he is. If we ask him to get something, especially for Kylie, he rushes to get it. He is always helping me "clean" and when I ask him to help pick up he does. I am not very good at this especially in my walk with God. Sometimes I hear the call of God to do something or help someone and I ignore it because I have my own stuff to do. This is something I really need to work on.

These are a few things I've learned from William this last year. I never imagined my baby boy could teach me so much.

Adoption-older VS younger

Someone recently asked me if I wished my siblings had been adopted at a younger age. They were wondering if that would have made a difference in their stories. I can honestly say I don't know. I think that no matter how a child is when they're adopted, there is always a feeling of loss. They always wonder who they look like, who their parents are, why they were given up, and they go through a period when they don't feel good enough for anybody. How many times have you sat down with your parents and compared baby pictures to see which parent you looked like more. Have you ever talked to your family about what genes you share (this is a common occurrence in our house because we have some strange genes that we all share). Adopted children don't get to have these conversations (obviously open adoptions are the exception). For my siblings, all they have are pictures to see who they look like and for one of them, they don't know what their birth father even looks like. In this sense, no matter what age a child is, adoption is always difficult.
I think if my siblings were younger when they were adopted they might not have some of the attachment issues they have now. If they were adopted as babies I know they wouldn't have some of the bad experiences they've had. I can't say that they wouldn't for sure have attachment issues because even kids who were adopted as babies deal with attachment issues. They would probably have an easier time being part of a family though. For all three of the youngers, none of them knew what it meant to be part of a family. They have never had to do chores as a family, they've never sat down for a meal as a family, they've never gone to church as a family, they've never celebrated holidays as a family, etc. All the things we take for granted every year, these kids have never experienced until they were adopted. Imagine going to a random person's house during the holiday season. You have no idea what their traditions are. All these people you're with know what's going on but you're just kind of thrown into the mix. But you're supposed to be part of the family. I don't know if I'm making any sense but I'm trying. In this sense, I think it would be easier if my siblings were adopted when they were younger.
On the flip side, sometimes I wish I was younger when the youngers were adopted. By the time AJ was adopted, I was 18 and already living on my own. When RJ and T were adopted, I was living in a totally different state and engaged. Sometimes I wish I had been younger so that I could have had the experience of living with them. Like I said before, I don't know if anything would have helped with their attachment stuff, but maybe if I had been around all the time, my relationships would be different. It's one thing to be the cool sibling that comes around every now and then and it's totally different when you share their everyday life with them. I have always said that I don't think of them any differently than I do my biological brother, and in some ways I don't, but in other ways I do because I don't really know them because I'm not there everyday.
I know this post is really scattered but I hope I answered the question about the kids being adopted at a younger age. I really don't know if it would have helped but I think some things would have been easier.

Advice for adoptive parents

I always think about what advice I would give parents that are adopting that already have older kids. When I got pregnant with Kylie, people were always giving me advice on how to transition William into being an older brother. Since I've had Kylie, one of the most asked questions is how is William doing with a new sister. It's strange to me that there isn't any information on how to help an older child handle an adopted sibling. Nobody asks the parent, or the older child for that matter, how things are going for them once the adopted child is home. Is it any different? Personally, I don't think so. The situation is different. There might be different problems especially if you are adopting an older child but the child that was already there still feels the same things. They still feel jealousy. They still wonder where they fit in now because their family dynamic has changed. They still feel replaced at times. The feelings are still the same.

One of the biggest thing a parent can do to help the older child during the adoption is to keep the older child involved as much as possible. I had already moved out by the time AJ's adoption was going through so I was a part of the adoption from far away. It was my fault for not being very involved but I wish that my parents would have forced me to be more involved. Have family meetings with all the older children to talk about the adopted child. Talk about where they're from, how old they are, share pictures, share stories, talk about their history like have they been in an orphanage, with foster parents, or with their biological parents. If you travel to get the child, bring back souvenirs and lots of pictures to share with the older kids especially if you got out of the country. Keep the older child involved in the process. Let them know where you are in the adoption process and what's left. Once you get a date to get your child, keep a countdown so that everyone is aware of when the new child will be coming. Let them help you decorate the room and pick out new clothes. Have the older child talk to the adopted child as much as possible whether through letters or phone calls. Have them be a part of the everyday boring stuff of the adoption.
Another thing a parent can do to help is talk to the older child about the possible issues the adopted child will have once they come home. This is especially important when adopting older children. I know that every child is different but I was totally unaware of what RAD was and how it would affect my relationship with any of the kids. When AJ came home, I had these dreams about going shopping, sharing secrets, have sleep overs, and being close. I didn't realize that her RAD would keep her from having a "normal" sibling relationship. Many adopted children don't even know what it means to be part of a family especially those that have been in an orphanage. They don't know what it's like to have chores, to have holidays with a family, to spend time as a family. I think my relationship would be different with AJ if I hadn't pushed my dreams on her so hard in the beginning. I don't think it would be what I had dreamt it would be but it would be different than what it is now.
Another thing parent can do to help their older child or children deal with the adoption is to take time to spend with them and listen to what they have to say. My mom did a really good job of letting me talk (once I figured out what I wanted to say). As silly as it sounds, I was jealous of AJ when she came home and I still am jealous of the all the younger kids every once in awhile. They have a different relationship with my mom than I did growing up. My mom is able to spend more time with them and take them on trips and buy them the things we couldn't afford. I am extremely happy for them but at the same time I can't help but feel a little jealous which is totally normal. As an older child, I needed to know that what I was feeling, no matter how silly I thought it was, was ok and normal. If your older child doesn't feel comfortable talking to you about how they feel for whatever reason, take them to a counselor. If they aren't able to talk through their feeling about their new siblings, they will eventually start to resent them.
I think the most important thing a parent can remember is that even though your child is older and you are not physically having a child, adoption is the same thing. Kids still feel the same way and their place in the family is different just like when a new biological child is brought into the family.